highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
smell my finger.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
