i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
