you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize