only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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