Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
