She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
