you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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