Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
