my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize