If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
