I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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