I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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