Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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