Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
