I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
