dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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