Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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