either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
