her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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