That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
