If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We got so high we made milksteak
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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