Don't make out with my wife yet
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
