he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
