You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
