You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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