i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
