woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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