i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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