I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
