Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
