sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
