We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
