Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
