My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
