Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
