Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
