Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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