so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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