I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
