Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
