he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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