mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
