Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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