Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
