I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
