Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
