She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
