Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
