I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
