Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
