You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
