I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I should be sponsored by Trojan
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
