I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
A+ Viking dick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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