I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
