I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
