I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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