i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
