why didn't you poke me back
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
