hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think my moral compass just broke
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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