drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
