Whatcha textin bout Willis?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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