I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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