You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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