My hand turned me down
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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