Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
