I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
God, I missed his penis.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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