I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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