my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
