Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
