I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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