Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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