I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
